I placed the phone on speaker, sat back on the sofa and settled in to listen to the music. It was a strange genre nestled somewhere between blues and classic country. The violins played counterpoint to the clarinet as both danced in and out of the piano’s promulgation of the central melody. My eyes had just closed when the music stopped.

“Hello, my name is Henry. It is my pleasure to be your service representative today. How may I help you?”

“Henry,” I relied. “This won’t take long. I need to close my account.”

“We would hate to lose you as a customer, sir. Is there a problem I can resolve to your satisfaction?”

“Actually, no, Henry, there’s no problem. I’m just rearranging my life and I’ve decided to discontinue the service you offer.”

“Why would you want to discontinue, sir? J. D. Powers ranks us as number one in customer satisfaction.”

“I have no doubt of that, Henry. I’ve been a customer for a good many years now, and I can’t recall a single complaint. You folks have an excellent track record. I’d recommend you to anyone, but, as I said, I’m making some changes in my life and I no longer need your service.”

“Can you give me the phone number from which you are calling?”

“I can.”  I did.

“Can you give me your Mother’s maiden name?”

“I can.” I did.

There was a pause. Henry came back on the line.

“I’m looking at your account now, sir, and, indeed, you have been a customer for a long time. We would hate to lose such a customer as you. If I lowered your monthly fee to $9.95 a month would that entice you to remain with us?”

“You are offering to lower my monthly fee to $9.95 a month?”

“That’s right, sir. As I said, you’re a valuable customer and we’d like to keep you with us.”

“Henry, you’re telling me you can provide me with this service for less than ten dollars when I’ve been paying almost five times that much.”

“I can, sir. We want to keep you as a customer.”

“Why haven’t you let me have the service for $9.95 all these years, Henry. Why have I been paying five times that much?”

“This is a special offer, sir, to keep customers as yourself.”

“Here’s the point, Henry: If you can stay in business with me paying only ten dollars why would you charge me fifty?”

“As I said, sir, this is a special offer.”

“You know, Henry, when we started this conversation I told you I didn’t have any reason to close this account other than my making different living arrangements. But now, Henry, I have a big reason.”

“Sir, $9.95 is a big reduction.”

“It is, Henry, I can’t argue with that. But, Henry, I have to tell you. I feel violated, abused, taken advantage of, undervalued, ripped off, spat upon, a victim of your company’s money grabbing, damn the customer attitude.”

“I’m sorry, sir. Suppose I added five free email addresses to the $9.95 offer? Would that sweeten the deal enough?”

“Henry, now I’m beginning to feel as though my intellect is being questioned.”

“I tell you what, sir, I’ll add a free mouse pad.”

Henry, if you make one more offer I’m going to report you to the Secretary of State for harassment.”

“I’ll close the account right now, sir.”